Banging my head on the proverbial brick wall!

Ahhhh........where to start? My brain is traveling in about 50 different directions so I have no idea what direction this will go.

I will warn you, this blog might get ugly and foul, so if you tend to take offense to foul language or just life that isn't wrapped up in a pretty package. Stop reading now and leave.

I guess I should start with my weight loss progression. I've been without a trainer since before my birthday, it's been almost 2 months now. Long story short, he's not at the gym but in the process of opening his own place but it's a time consuming process and in the meantime I have no trainer. This makes me very unhappy because I feel like I'm back at day 1. I have not quit being active, I am quite the opposite actually. I am in the pole fitness studio almost every night but Saturday and Sunday, for 2-3 hours every night doing pole fitness. I'm getting stronger, but my body misses training, I miss hanging out with Drew and I miss how he pushes me to be stronger and pushes my body to try harder. I just don't have the motivation to do his workouts on my own. I hate the gym, it's not fun to me, thus why I spend so much time in the studio.

Nutrition wise, it's so so. I could eat better. I don't eat fast food, drink soda or eat sweets. But I probably don't eat enough or eat all the right foods. Food frustrates me to no end. I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy cooking, I don't enjoy any aspect of food.

I am not enjoying my home life.

It's been almost a year........my bad.........

Well so much for my magnificent blog............:/ I hit day 90 of my last Visalus challenge and totally forgot about my blog. Now tonight, looking back and re-reading some of my writings, I got nostalgic and decided to pick it back up again. I don't claim to be a writer, I just play one on t.v. :)

So let's see.......where I'm at today.........

I'm now into a size medium shirts and yoga pants down from a large at Thanksgiving 2012. Underwear size went from a 7 to a 6....YAY! Bra size went from a 38D to a 36D, ring size went from a 6 to a 5 1/2, shoe size the same and I'm continuing to lose inches but the scale has gone down to between 147-150. I hover between those weights and have hovered there for the last couple of months. I have hit the dreaded plateau......but that's o.k.

Why is that ok? First of all, I haven't been this weight since BEFORE I had my first child almost 18 years ago! HA! Long time coming...........and my body is constantly changing. My workouts have increased to twice a week and I have now added a new challenge three times a week. I have added pole dancing classes to my workout. So between the gym and the studio, I'm getting workouts at least 5 times a week........my body is spent and exhausted, but it's changing. The number on the scale isn't changing as much but I know my inches are changing because depending on what brand of jeans, I can get into an 8/9 now! I am gaining strength and flexibility everyday and pushing myself with my new classes. My trainer is pushing me by adding weights and strength training to our already intense cross-fit inspired workouts. 

Mentally where am I at? Still a little frustrated but in a total different way than I was a year ago. A year ago, I was so focused on the scale and the number that it was giving me that I thought about it 24/7. I fell asleep and woke up thinking about my weight. Since I started focusing on getting stronger and healthier, more fit......I stopped focusing on the number on the scale and started challenging myself in other ways. I stepped out of the box and out of my comfort zone. I started running more races and stopped being afraid. Now my frustration is that I can't do everything right away when I do something new! :) Boy, what a complaint to have right?

I still struggle with food, I still struggle with feeling "fat" some days but it's part of being human and living life. But taking pole dancing classes is increasing my confidence and wearing sexy clothes, learning sexy moves and getting a full body workout is a great way to combine it all together. 

I will try harder to blog about my workouts, what I'm eating and to keep others motivated and to show that it can be done without pills and fads......

Day 90............I made it!!!!!!!

Well, day 90 is here!!! How did I do????

DAY 90 RESULTS

WT: 161 LBS.

INCHES LOST: ALOT!!

SIZE 11, ALMOST INTO A SIZE 9/10!

Here is a comparison shot from Day 1 of this challenge to today!

So let's recap! I am in a size 11 and it's fitting loose now......no more muffin top hanging over! YIPEE!! I give it another month or so and I'll be in a 9/10. That will be a milestone. I don't recall ever wearing a 9/10 and if I did I wasn't old enough to care what size I was wearing. Ok I'll start from top to bottom.......

Size XL shirt to a L (they are starting to get big on me)

Size 44DD Bra to a 38D bra (still a bit snug, but this will change too)

Size 9 underwear to a size 7 underwear

Size 18 jeans to start (1 year ago), now wearing a size 11 (depending on brand)

Size XL yoga pants to a size L yoga pants

Size 8 shoe to size 7 shoe (don't ask me how I lost a shoe size)

Ring size went from size 7 to a size 6

My face is smaller, everything is smaller!!

In this challenge, I have hit some great highs and some awful lows. I started off this challenge sick as a dog, terribly bloated and not sure what in the hell I was doing. I thought I had a hang on things but apparently I did not. I started taking my training and my eating more seriously and things started happening. I started setting smaller goals and reaching them, which gave me more motivation to shoot for higher goals. I've had ups and downs with the scale, but overall, my inches have continued to come down and my clothes are still getting loose on me. I'm tired of things that fit a month ago falling off of me now. WAH WAH WAH........I know, bad problem to have right? (Note the sarcasm there) LOL...........Not only did I set some goals that were obtainable and that I could live with, I signed up for my first 5K race (read back a couple blogs). I also attended a caregiver retreat that really reset my way of thinking about things. I realized that I need to stop obsessing about my weight loss and that I just need to live and take care of myself and things will continue to move in the right direction.

So here is to another successful challenge in the books, more weight gone and learning more self acceptance! I will be starting a new challenge tomorrow and I'm not sure if I will be continuing this blog or starting a completely new one. I hope the new one is full of motivation, success and more self discovery. I'm in a great place and I'm so happy that this challenge ended on a positive note!!

Much love to my followers!!!

Day 86.........Survival of the Zombie Apocalypse!!

WOOHOO!!!!! I did it!!! I survived!!! I ran 3.1 miles, ran through sand, jumped hills, crawled through mud, dodged zombies and electrically charged ropes, etc and survived!!! So I will try to remember every detail about the run!

My friend and I left my house about 9:30. We had to stop to grab some water (it had to be an unopened 1L bottle of water) and we were off! Our nerves were on edge!

The off road park where this even was happening was in Clermont, Florida. About an hour from where we live. It wasn't too hard to get too, until we got on a rural road where we both lost cell service at the same time.............right about here!

A few miles up the road we start seeing road signs for "WARNING: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AHEAD!" YIKES!!!! :) Our excitement was over the top!! Little did we know that we would have to hike a fortnight to get to the actual event. We had to park in this hay field and hoof it to where the run took place. Thank goodness we were walking with other zombie bait.........I compared it to what cattle must feel like walking to the auction block. :D

We finally make it to the first tent where we fill out our waiver form then make our way to the registration table where we picked up our race bib, timing chip, t-shirt and some other goodies. We pinned our bibs on put our timing chips in our shoes and we were ready!

 I don't think it had hit me at this time that I was about to go run 3.1 miles! Silly girl.............I think my brain had already submitted to the zombies! HA! The website said to arrive 2 hours before your wave time and our wave time was at 1:30 and me being the "always on time" girl, we got there WAY too early and had lots of time to kill. We got to check out the festival atmosphere, watch some of the other "bait" run the course and see what we were up against. That probably wasn't the best idea. We were already deciding who we would try to run with and use as "bait". :) Hey, don't judge......in survival mode you gotta sacrifice others! We saw all kinds of crazy costumes but I'm pretty sure that dead sexy was representing!!

So it came time for us to line up for our wave. We had to decide what line we wanted in. There was the "appetizer" line for those who can run a mile in 10:00 or less, the "entree" line for runners who can run a 11:00-12:00 minute mile, and the "dessert" for those that run a 14:00min or longer mile. LOL We probably should have gone in the "dessert" line but we opted for the entree line. Basically you go in this tunnel/chute that is dark and hot.......Your lined up like cattle pretty much until they tell you to GO!

The nerves are amped up, everyone is clapping, jumping around, hooting and hollering and before we knew it the countdown starts.......10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...........RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!! The gates opened in a cloud of smoke and we were OFF!!! You cross the start line and the chip in our shoes made a beep signalling that we were being timed. Right away I knew I was very unprepared when it came to the running part! Sand and grass/hay is HARD to run in. Jenn had seen some zombies up ahead because she is so tall, so I knew we were going to have to sprint right from the start. Ok, so I'm not a sprinter, I don't claim to be one. I only play one on t.v..........:) Oh my, these zombies were especially gruesome and gory! Mad props to the make up artists and special effects. Adrenaline kicked in and you just had to RUN! Of course after you made it past a group, everyone stopped and walked............what was crazy is the first 5 min or so of the race seemed the hardest! It was curvy, sandy, hot and full of zombies. No obstacles yet and I was ready to die! We make it around the lake and at this point I have already lost 1 flag.............AND my pants keep falling down. This was not a good thing, considering we hadn't even made it half a mile! LOL Some of these zombies were especially brutal! Some didn't really run after you and we discovered that if you acted like you couldn't breathe or if you limped that they would let you by without grabbing too hard for your flags.......:) HEY, don't judge, it's for survival!!! LOL We made it to our first water station and at this point, I've lost a flag, my pants are falling down and a zombie has made me almost piss my pants! After our first water station, we come to some sand dunes!!! WITH ZOMBIES!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! Like sand isn't already hard to get through without having to fight off zombies......we try to sprint through the sand and have to splash through what's left of a sandy mud puddle. Only one ankle got really wet, just enough to irritate me. Then we are up another set of nasty hills where there are zombies waiting off the trail to munch my feet. Now mind you, this took place in an off road park so there are hills and trails everywhere. They are not even. :) So we start up this hill and this is where I lose my 2nd flag. I'm walking up the hill at this point. LOL I'm so hot and sweaty, tired, exhausted that I can't catch my breath and the guy in front of me says "WATCH OUT BEHIND YOU", too late............then I am almost pushed down by some crazy runner who pushed me, I'm guessing he was hoping I would be zombie bait........so I kept going. The strategy for most runners was to walk between zombies, sprint through them and save your energy for the sprints and obstacles. So I adopted that strategy too. Somewhere along the way I lost my last flag so at that point I was "infected" but Jenn still had one! So I became her defense. I had nothing left to lose so I would run on her side when I saw a zombie trying to grab her flag. I was like a cheetah on her side. What was so funny, we ran hand in hand during so many times during the race! There was a maze that was kind of boring, no zombies, no tricks...........then there was a hayfield that was like walking in a mind field! Seriously, all kind of holes, just right for rolling your ankle and it was all covered with hay and zombies. Seriously at this point, we were becoming sick of zombies LOL.........we made it through the hayfield and we see signs for 2 miles!!! HOLY CRAP! We've made it 2 miles! Then there is the inevitable fork in the road. Most of us went to the left, one guy went to the right..........stupid lambs......we had 8 zombies on our road.......he had 1.......should have stayed to the right. LOL
After this, we encountered 3 doctor zombies. i thought about stopping to ask them some questions but they looked rather hungry and looked like they had eaten the last victim to stop and ask them a question so i booked right past them......THEN the dreaded MUD hole!!! OMG! BLACK water!!! I knew it couldn't be avoided, so i just jumped in and got on my stomach and started crawling. Almost instantly my side cramped up. The only thing I can think is that from being so overheated and hot, sweaty that the water was so cold that it was too  much of a shock to my system. It was all I could do to crawl under the barbed wire through that water. I literally dug my feet in the muck, gripped the mud and sand with my fingernails and pulled with all my strength because I literally could NOT breath the pain in my side was so bad. I was telling myself YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Jenn held the barbed wire up so I wouldn't catch myself on it and crawled out completely soaked! But wow, what an adrenaline rush!!!! Then we hit nothing but sand!!!!!!!!!! We had to run up a thick sand hill, back down and scale this beast!!!

It wasn't as hard as it looks, and we were fortunate they were in the middle of a zombie shift change so we were able to just scale right up it with no hordes chasing us! We knew were were almost done. We came around another corner and came across some fat zombies. Never underestimate fat zombies. Just because they look fat, doesn't mean they can't run!!! So mind you, Jenn still has her last flag and mine are gone. We get to one of the last zombie girls and she says "do you have any flags left?" I say "no, i'm dead". she gives me a flag back! She says now RUN and WIN!!! :) See zombies do have a heart!!! The last zombie of the day gave me a run for my money. He really freaked me out and I hope the photograper taking pictures got a good one! He had 3 heads and was spitting something. He was so creepy. We had a slight standoff and I had to figure out which way to run! I took off to the right and he didn't chase me, just spit at me. YUCK!!! He must have had some kind of spitter thing, because it was like salt water or something....LOL Then we come to the HOUSE!!! NO! I've seen this thing on YouTube from other races!! Basically it is a wooden box made to look like a house. It has these "windows" you must crawl through that are about 4 feet off the ground. That's not the hard part. It's pitch black, and they let off fog in there. AND there are electrical charged ropes/nylon cords hanging from the ceiling in various spots!!! OUCH! I knew better than to touch them after watching youtube videos but Jenn got hit with one! LOL We came out of that and still had like 3 zombies left to run through. We made it through and then realized that's it! A few more obstacles and we are DONE!!! Our next obstacle was the big ladder/water slide combo!!

This was a blast, Jenn and I went down holding hands! The muddy water at the bottom was gross, smelly and I got a face full!! We were up and out of this and onto the next obstacle!

Yep, you guessed it..........crawling on hands and knees under these. This is where i obtained my first and only injury. There was a nail on the ground at the entrance of this obstacle and wouldn't you know it was me that put my hand on it. enough to stick it IN my hand. I pulled it out, it wasn't rusty and Yes I've had my tetanus shot. But it hurts this morning! OUCH! I managed to crawl through this and this is the point that tears really started to come! I can't believe I can see the finish line of my first obstacle course and 5K!!! Right after coming out of this, there is a short dash to the electrically charged crawl under the fence to the finish!!

WOOHOO!!!! And we have crossed the finish line at 1 hour 17 minutes!!!! And this is what the after looked like!

Right after the race!!! What a thrill!

My new $150 shoes that I bought 2 days before the race.......

Jenn donating her shoes to the pile, I did NOT donate mine.

This is what kicking zombie ass looks like!

We hugged, we cried and we were in tears because this was the first race for both of us. We have both been overweight, unhappy with our looks and our bodies and we both changed ourselves. So this was a huge accomplishment for us! We not only ran 3.1 miles, but we dodged zombies, we sprinted, we climbed obstacles, we got dirty and we stepped out of our comfort zone!! Never be afraid to jump out of that comfort zone and try something new. You might find that you like it and might learn some new things.

The one thing that really humbled me yesterday was this........before our race we were watching some of the other waves finish the race and we heard everyone hollering and cheering, so we walked over. What we saw brought tears to our eyes. There was a young man almost finished with the course. He was going down the water slide portion and it wasn't until he got out of the water that we saw he was a double amputee, he had prosthetic legs all the way up to his hips and he was wearing a "Team Marine" shirt. He was surrounded by other fit young men that were wearing similar shirts and they were all helping him get through the obstacle and getting him out of the water. Everyone was cheering him on. It gave me goose bumps! When he came to the part where you have to crawl under, he laid on his back and acutally pulled himself under those crossbeams with his arms! His teammates were right there on either side of him motivating him on and cheering him on, the crowd was going wild!! When he got to the last obstacle, he laid on his stomach and pushed himself through the obstacle with his hands and arms, but he finished. His buddies helped him up and they all walked across the finish line TOGETHER!! That really made me check myself. If this guy could do with prosthetics, I could do this with my 2 legs!! Never doubt yourself!!!

So a few last pictures!!!

The stage!

zombies in a cage!

love this shirt!

A nice zombie nurse!

celebratory survival drink!

survivor!

my survival medal!

creepy zombie!

creepy little zombie kid!

gma and her granddaughters getting into the spirit of the day!

me and some zombies!

jenn and some zombies!

my shoes did not fair so well!

my race swag!

the pile of shoes grew!!

Day 84.......my last supper.......zombies, brains!!

Tonight I enjoyed my last supper as a human! :)

Tomorrow I am stepping OUT of my comfort zone and doing something I never thought I would EVER do! I am running my first 5K! I am running the Run For Your Life Zombie 5K/Obstacle course. Basically, I will be running 3 miles while dodging zombies that will be trying to take my "life" (aka my health flags) while running through mud, climbing over hay bales, through mud, swimming through water and dodging electrical obstacles! There will be 12 man made obstacles, lots of mud, zombie guts, blood and BRAINS!! :) I will be in horror movie heaven!!

You ask WHY would I purposefully put myself into a horror movie? First off, I am a HUGE fan of all things horror. The more gore, the better.........:) Second, I LOVE LOVE LOVE zombies, vampires, monsters, ghosts, etc. and third, now that I've lost this weight I want to push myself to see if I can do an actual run instead of just dreaming about doing something like this. I don't claim to be a runner, I just play one on t.v.

So tonight for dinner, my friend and I went to dinner at the Olive Garden where we loaded on up salad, bread sticks, bruschetta, and PASTA..........oh and we each had a draft beer (you know for carbs). ;) This was one of the many tips that I received in my prep for this race, load up on carbs the night before the race. I have my shoes and let me tell you those were some expensive shoes! I hated spending $150 on running shoes just knowing they will be covered in mud and muck but I know I'll get a lot of use out of them. Next was $50 for a good running bra so I don't knock myself out or give myself black eyes. Some knee braces, a white shirt that we decorated with some red paint for blood affect. And I think we are all set! Pictures will be posted soon!

Am I ready for this? I sure hope so. Chances are that I will cross the finish line with no health flags and I will become "infected" and become a zombie BUT I will cross the finish line full of pride knowing that I accomplished something that I never thought I would ever be able to do! I will be able to walk around knowing I just ran 3 miles, climbed obstacles and fought off hordes of zombies and made it through!

Zombies, watching out..........Team Dead Sexy is coming for you!!!!

Day 79......Make a Forever Impact.......

Let me start this blog by saying..............................

HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY TO ALL THE VETERANS WHO FOUGHT AND DIED FOR OUR COUNTRY AND WHO WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT AND DIE FOR THIS COUNTRY AND OUR FREEDOMS!

I hope that I can tie all the messages that I want to share into this blog without confusion and with some eloquence. :)

I have so much on my mind, this week has been such a reflection for me. I'm still trying to adjust to being home from my caregiver weekend in Nashville and it's been a difficult adjustment. I do realize that I am not alone and that I have love and support when I don't feel strong. I do realize that I am much stronger than I ever realized. I realize also that it's OK to take care of me, to let down those walls and to take off the mask that we as caregivers wear all the time. It's really o.k. Life will continue to go on, and things will keep moving as they should.

So now time to ask the inevitable question that we all ask ourselves from time to time when we fail at things that we think we should succeed at.........WHY DON'T WE CHANGE?

We can ask ourselves this question about anything.........weight loss, finances, jobs, kids, finishing school, setting goals.........etc.......pretty much anything....

We don't change because most of us tell ourselves that "It's OK to continue bad habits because nothing bad happened today". Think about that statement. I know I have thought about that statement a lot. Especially when it comes to eating habits. I see a snack pack of Oreos and think........hrmmmm, if I eat those Oreos, the scale won't change today, it won't show a 5lb gain, so I'll be o.k. I can work that off tomorrow.  It's like a vicious cycle.......we continue to keep making bad choices because that bad choice or that bad habit didn't make the world stop spinning TODAY. We survived, we escaped the day unscathed.......we tell ourselves we'll do better TOMORROW, but tomorrow comes and goes and we are now stuck in a cycle of "nothing bad happened today, so I can work that off tomorrow". Before we know it we are overweight, not fitting in our clothes and miserable with ourselves....asking "How in the hell did I get in this position?" We have to break the cycle and stop reaching for the bad choices.

Have you ever seen die-hard sports fans? They are for one team or another........they don't play both teams, they either love or loathe certain teams. Think of eating habits like that. You can love food and you can love eating, but you have to have a healthy respect for both of these things. You can't continue to keep making bad choices, eating crap and then trying to make healthy choices. It's like your playing for both teams. Someone is going to lose and if your like the majority of Americans, the crap food is going to get a new team member! You have to fight hard for the healthy choices. It may seem like you are giving up the things that you love, but you don't have to. It's all about changing and doing it at a pace that you can live with.

We all have this invisible clock over our heads. We can't see it, no one can. Only one person can see that clock and it ticks down....every second, every minute of the day. Do you know when that clock stops? When we take our last breath. Time is precious, and we never know how much time we have left to impact a life. The choices we make today can make an impact on our own life or the life of someone else. All of the choices we make in life, all the choices we make in our daily eating habits have a forever impact. With our daily eating habits, the choices you make today can affect your health forever. If we get so distracted and consumed by our bad habits and choices, we lose the ability to make healthy choices and succeed, whether it be with food, money, etc.

You never know who might cross your path on any given day and how something you might say or do might impact that person's life forever. I would like to think that through this blog that I might impact someone's life in that it might give them courage to start their own journey of finding them self or getting healthier and helping others. 

Hopefully this wasn't too confusing........this seemed harder today..........not sure why......... :/

Day 75...........Lost in the fog............

So here I sit.......I have been home since Monday evening.........no words can really truly describe how I am feeling at the moment so I apologize in advance for the messiness of this posting. :)

My emotions, my words, everything in my head is all jumbled up and swirling around like a whirlpool. I can't seem to form thoughts that make sense and I have a sense of loss upon my return home. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad to be home with my family but everything looks and feels different. I don't know how that is possible but that's how it feels. I fully expected to come home and pick back up where I left off with my day to day routine.......home school, chores, gym, sitting outside, laundry, obsessing with my weight loss journey and just living life how I've known it to be for the last year or so. I couldn't have been more wrong. From the moment that plane touched down in Tampa, the tears started falling. I was shocked that I was still shedding tears when I should be so overjoyed to be returning to my family! But yet, they kept coming. I was fortunate enough to fly home with 2 of the ladies that I spent time with at the retreat and what a blessing that was. It was so hard to say goodbye to them.........even though we will see each other again and will talk frequently.

So why am I feeling this way? I know this particular blog strays off the weight loss journey, but I feel that this is vital to my success. I have changed and I do not yet know how but I feel that it will be an integral part of my continued weight loss story. So back to why I'm feeling this way. This past weekend's experience was something that was simply amazing! I could blog about every detail but I could never truly explain how amazing it was. It was a weekend full of realization, opening up, tearing down walls, looking at myself, learning that it was o.k. to think about me and to care for ME! I was pampered, catered to and supported by a group of women that walk the same journey that I do. What an amazing feeling that is. Just to know that you are not alone and that there are others out there that have felt the anger, sadness, and desperation and all the other emotions that go with being a caregiver to a wounded warrior. Even though we all got here by a different path, we all are walking the same path. There is not one of us that have less of a story. We all have different struggles and different issues that we deal with but we all have the same feelings and emotions. What I realized is that we have all felt alone, afraid, angry, sad and desperate. It's o.k. to feel that way. Now we know that we are NOT ALONE and that we have this amazing support system within each other. At anytime we can pick up the phone or get online and reach out and there will be a new sister to hold our hand, to give us a shoulder to cry on, or just to vent with us or remind us to use our new breathing exercises or knee tapping skills to calm down and come back to the here and now. These women have been a God send for me. And even as I am home now and trying to decompress and re-adjust, I am leaning on these women for support and love because I am feeling lost in the fog. I just don't know where to pick back up and that's o.k. too. Change is never easy, if it was then we wouldn't struggle with change so much.

It's funny, I had all these eloquent things to say in here and yet again my mind is wandering, thinking back to this weekend and all my new sisters and all the wonderful memories I have and all the knowledge I gained. Thinking of just how much I was missing out on because I just put up walls all around me because accepting things we don't like to see is painful. I never knew that I needed the support of women like these in my life. I just thought I could handle it all on my own. I was a military wife, I'm a mom, I've given birth, I've been through deployments, I've got a wounded warrior so I should be STRONG!!! I realize that I am strong, but yet I still need support and love. I know that I can't handle it all on my own. I never want to admit to myself or anyone else that I can't always handle everything. I need help sometimes........some days I just have to crawl.........some days I don't even want to get out of bed........but I do so I know I have the strength.....but I have to admit I need to reach out to the ones that get it and let them support me now. That I don't have to walk this journey alone and that I am not alone.

I hope that I gain some realization in the upcoming days and weeks of how I have changed because right now I'm just kind of at a standstill. My house looks different, everything looks different. I never ever imagined coming home would be harder than leaving to go to this retreat, but I now realize that this is what this retreat was for! We all had to be open to this experience, to know that it would be OK to focus on ourselves and maybe then we might see what we have been missing or hiding with our "masks" that we wear everyday...........masks are not fun to wear, they hide so much and I have been hiding from so much. It's time to take off the mask, and let go of those fears, anxieties, sadness, anger and let my new sisters love and support surround me and carry me through these re-adjustment days and the rest of the days to come.......

This blog is going out to all my sisters in strength. You are all my angels and I am so thankful that God put you in my path. I am blessed to know you all and I miss you terribly! We shared something inspiring and amazing and I will never ever forget it. You all had an impact on my life. Thank you for loving and supporting me!