So here I sit.......I have been home since Monday evening.........no words can really truly describe how I am feeling at the moment so I apologize in advance for the messiness of this posting. :)
My emotions, my words, everything in my head is all jumbled up and swirling around like a whirlpool. I can't seem to form thoughts that make sense and I have a sense of loss upon my return home. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad to be home with my family but everything looks and feels different. I don't know how that is possible but that's how it feels. I fully expected to come home and pick back up where I left off with my day to day routine.......home school, chores, gym, sitting outside, laundry, obsessing with my weight loss journey and just living life how I've known it to be for the last year or so. I couldn't have been more wrong. From the moment that plane touched down in Tampa, the tears started falling. I was shocked that I was still shedding tears when I should be so overjoyed to be returning to my family! But yet, they kept coming. I was fortunate enough to fly home with 2 of the ladies that I spent time with at the retreat and what a blessing that was. It was so hard to say goodbye to them.........even though we will see each other again and will talk frequently.
So why am I feeling this way? I know this particular blog strays off the weight loss journey, but I feel that this is vital to my success. I have changed and I do not yet know how but I feel that it will be an integral part of my continued weight loss story. So back to why I'm feeling this way. This past weekend's experience was something that was simply amazing! I could blog about every detail but I could never truly explain how amazing it was. It was a weekend full of realization, opening up, tearing down walls, looking at myself, learning that it was o.k. to think about me and to care for ME! I was pampered, catered to and supported by a group of women that walk the same journey that I do. What an amazing feeling that is. Just to know that you are not alone and that there are others out there that have felt the anger, sadness, and desperation and all the other emotions that go with being a caregiver to a wounded warrior. Even though we all got here by a different path, we all are walking the same path. There is not one of us that have less of a story. We all have different struggles and different issues that we deal with but we all have the same feelings and emotions. What I realized is that we have all felt alone, afraid, angry, sad and desperate. It's o.k. to feel that way. Now we know that we are NOT ALONE and that we have this amazing support system within each other. At anytime we can pick up the phone or get online and reach out and there will be a new sister to hold our hand, to give us a shoulder to cry on, or just to vent with us or remind us to use our new breathing exercises or knee tapping skills to calm down and come back to the here and now. These women have been a God send for me. And even as I am home now and trying to decompress and re-adjust, I am leaning on these women for support and love because I am feeling lost in the fog. I just don't know where to pick back up and that's o.k. too. Change is never easy, if it was then we wouldn't struggle with change so much.
It's funny, I had all these eloquent things to say in here and yet again my mind is wandering, thinking back to this weekend and all my new sisters and all the wonderful memories I have and all the knowledge I gained. Thinking of just how much I was missing out on because I just put up walls all around me because accepting things we don't like to see is painful. I never knew that I needed the support of women like these in my life. I just thought I could handle it all on my own. I was a military wife, I'm a mom, I've given birth, I've been through deployments, I've got a wounded warrior so I should be STRONG!!! I realize that I am strong, but yet I still need support and love. I know that I can't handle it all on my own. I never want to admit to myself or anyone else that I can't always handle everything. I need help sometimes........some days I just have to crawl.........some days I don't even want to get out of bed........but I do so I know I have the strength.....but I have to admit I need to reach out to the ones that get it and let them support me now. That I don't have to walk this journey alone and that I am not alone.
I hope that I gain some realization in the upcoming days and weeks of how I have changed because right now I'm just kind of at a standstill. My house looks different, everything looks different. I never ever imagined coming home would be harder than leaving to go to this retreat, but I now realize that this is what this retreat was for! We all had to be open to this experience, to know that it would be OK to focus on ourselves and maybe then we might see what we have been missing or hiding with our "masks" that we wear everyday...........masks are not fun to wear, they hide so much and I have been hiding from so much. It's time to take off the mask, and let go of those fears, anxieties, sadness, anger and let my new sisters love and support surround me and carry me through these re-adjustment days and the rest of the days to come.......
This blog is going out to all my sisters in strength. You are all my angels and I am so thankful that God put you in my path. I am blessed to know you all and I miss you terribly! We shared something inspiring and amazing and I will never ever forget it. You all had an impact on my life. Thank you for loving and supporting me!
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